September 21, 2020

Tom Hanks At-Home Monologue – SNL

[ ding ]>> whoo!>> yes >> yeah.

[ laughter ]>> let's go.

>> yeah!>> it's wonderful to see mybetiful cast mates on this technological approach to tryingto do a live show.

So – >> and live from zoom, it'ssometime between March andAugust >> yeah!>> this is crazylet's do this.

♪>> announcer: It's “Saturdaynight live” at home with – musical guest, chris martin.

And your host, tom hanksladies and gentlemen, tom hanks.

[ cheers and applause>> hey, hey.

Aho, woah.

Thank you, thank youthat is some sound effect ofapplause and whistles.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you, engineers hey, all you cool cats andkittens.

It's me your old pal and don't worry, don't beafraidthis shaved head was just for a movie.

And my hair is growing back veryslowly it does save time in the shower, so I don't know, maybe we shouldall do it, huh hey, it's good to be here, though it is also very weird tobe here hosting “Saturday night live” from home.

It is a strange time to try tobe funny, but trying to be funny is “snl's” whole thing, so wethought, what the hecklet's give it a shot but, why me as host?Well, for one, I have been thecelebrity canary in the coal mine for the coronavirusand ever since being diagnosed Ihave been more like america's dad than ever beforesince no one wants to be aroundme very long, and I make people uncomfortable.

Now, I was diagnosed back inMarch with the coronavirus I was first diagnosed down inaustralia.

Now, the folks in australia are fantastic in every way, but theyuse celsius instead offahrenheit when they tick your temperature.

So, when they came in and say, “you're 36, ” which seems very bad to me.

It turns out 36 is fine.

38 is bad.

So basically, it's how hollywoodtreats female actorsbut, now my wife and I are — we're doing finewe're doing great.

We're hunkered down like all of us should beand in fact, this suit, this isthe first time I've worn anything other than sweat pantssince March 11thmy wife had to help me put it on, because I forgot how buttonswork, but it turns out there'sthese little disks and they slide into these slotsamazing.

Now, this “Saturday night live” is going to be differentfor one thing, it is has beenfilmed by the “snl” cast who are currently quarantined in theirhomes just like thiswell, I mean, not like this hometheir homes are a little morelike — you know, I'm going to let you be the judge of thatalso, there's no such thing assaturdays any more it's just, everyday is todayand we're not really live, butwe are doing everything we can to make this feel like the “snl”you know and love.

I am even using cue cards, see I am even using cue cards.

Just riff, baby.

That's what I'm doing.

So, tonight I can do everythinga host does during a normal”snl.

” I can even do that old chestnut, the question and answermonologue.

Let's see, does anyone have anyquestions?Yes.

You, sirhow about you?>> I have a question for mr.

Hanks.

I can't help but notice that youare in excellent shape what is the secret of yourphysical regiment?>> I, you know, come on, I just try to stretch a couple times aweek and go easy on the carbsand the cookies.

Thank you thoughanybody elseyes.

You, sir>> hello, hello.

I got a question for tommy, tim-tam.

What's a right proper way to geta daily dose of your vegemite? >> all right, enough of thatwell, we have a great show foryou tonight.

Now, is it going to look alittle different than whatyou're used to yes.

Will it be weird to see sketcheswithout big sets and costumes? Sure, but will it make youlaugh?Ehh, you know, it's “snl.

” you know, there will be somegood stuff, maybe one or twostinkers you know the drillbut, let's go.

Hey, stay safe we are in this for the durationand we will get through thistogether we are going to thank ourhospital workers, our firstresponders and all the helpers, the supermarket stockers, thepeople who deliver our food, thepeople who are making takeout for us, the men and women whoare keeping this country goingat a time when we need them more than ever beforeso, we're going to take care ofthem and we're going to take care of each otherso, let's try to now just enjoythe show we will be right back.

♪.

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